I was always considered the good girl amongst my group of friends growing up. I rarely indulged in illegal activities or things that I felt were against my character. Although my mom raised me well with no help, but I still had hidden issues.

The issues that I struggled with felt and still feel so big sometimes. It used to seem like it was easier to continue ignoring it, but, as I am growing older I realize that ignoring my issues cause it to show up in another form. I’ve learned that the issue is only one thing: my lack of trust in God.

Whenever I knowingly sin, I used to find it overwhelmingly embarrassing to face God, people and even myself to deal with it. I tend to ignore it and managed to convince myself that the sin I committed is not something I would do, because it’s against my character. It’s against my character but I did it though, and so I needed to seek God and repent.

I felt like Eve. She hid from God, knowing that He would find her after she sinned. God knows my issue, so why can’t He just take it away? Why do I still need to confess? Why can’t He just magically make me trust Him? If I try trusting Him, will all my other problems go away? What if they don’t, will I have any reason to still trust Him?

I sinned because I did not trust God. I settled because I did not trust God. I’ve dealt with soul ties because I did not trust God.

I don’t think I understood, or trusted, how much God loves me, to be honest. If I trusted God I would not fear what I fear now. If I trusted God, I would not run away from Him when I sinned because I know that He will cleanse me. If I trusted God, I would not be unwilling to pray for a stranger or a friend who is sick or needs salvation. If I trusted God, I would be able to love and be loved unconditionally.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.

They cannot be numbered!

I can’t even count them;

they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when I wake up,

you are still with me!

Psalm 138: 17-18

If I could just focus on this scripture alone, if I could just focus on the precious thoughts that God has for me, there would be no space for self-doubt.

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 41: 10

If I could just apply this scripture in my life, there would be no space for fear or discouragement.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4: 6-7

If I could grasp the meaning of this scripture, the would be no space for worry.

My lack of trust is not because God has failed me, but it is because I have not comprehended how big God is, so the mediocre things I asked God for do not come to pass because He has far greater plans for my life. I may not see it now, but I have to know and believe that God knows best.

Now when I ask Jesus, “why nothing seems to be going my way?,” He replies,

“You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will” John 13:7.

And so all that is left to do is trust.