KRISTINE

A huge part of my past was a struggle with severe depression. Throughout my struggle, I had a horrible self-image, and to deal with that, I fell into smoking weed and self mutilation. I lived two different lifestyles. When I was at school, I was bubbly and cheery and always made people laugh. I was always told that I had a bright future and that I was going to somehow change people around me. People told me that I was going to be a world changer in some way or another because of my personality and talents that I was blessed with. Those words were the hardest for me to swallow. I became someone else when I would get home. I would lock myself in my room and just feed myself with lies. I was ugly. I was not beautiful. I would never be loved. Yes, I had family. I had some really good friends. I even dated, and those guys who stayed with me went through utter hell. They didn't understand why I did the things I did. Nobody did. I would just go home and begin slicing up my skin because I was so angry. I got some kind of cheap release out of putting myself through torment. I was out of control.

After awhile, these “coping skills” that I had developed just weren't enough. Something in me couldn't handle everything that was going on around me, and I snapped. I had suicidal thoughts for a while, and one day, I decided enough was enough. I went home after school and saw my mom wasn't home, and decided that day was the day. I searched the house and found every pill bottle I could and emptied them out onto the counter.

But after Jesus came in and fixed me up, I became a whole new person. I realized I didn't have to try to take control of situations through substances and self-hurt. Taking all my frustrations and sorrows to Jesus was so much more fulfilling than any razor blade. But, it’s not until we hand over those things to God that we can be liberated from those demons. This includes total surrender. And even though suffering is the worst, it’s still sometimes hard to hand over the way that we have learned to cope with the world around us.

But, God wants to help us. God wants to mend us. God wants us to look to Him rather than hurtful idols.

I’m begging anyone who reads this to reach out to people they know are hurting and show them that Jesus is better. I pray that anyone struggling with depression reaches out for help. I would never wish the pain or the hurt I went through on anyone. Even if you’re alone reading this, and you’re having hurts, to surrender and hand your hurts to Jesus before it gets out of hand. God wants to restore us. I now thank God for what I went through so I am able to help people out. It all ended in glory for Him! Some days, I look at my scars, and Satan uses them to remind me of who I was. But, I am thankful for the days that I look at them, and God gently reminds me that I am not that person anymore. He has restored me in His image. He has made me perfect – scars, and all.

He wants us all to be restored. Surrender.

I hope this helps somebody. As painful as this was to write, I know that it will move somebody to turn to God. Share this with someone. You never know what can come out of something that looks broken right now.

-KrisNgozi